With Mario Belotti
I
am a young man, aged 26. I have a girlfriend whom I have agreed to tie
a knot with in years to come. To say the truth, we love each other.
I have already gone to her parents to present myself and to show them
that I am serious about their daughter. In fact, all along they had
been pressing her to bring me to their house. To my surprise, though,
her parents were not happy upon seeing me, and even told their daughter
that they should not see me again. Rumour has it that they want their
daughter to get married to a certain guy who is pursuing a Bachelors
degree at a college in Blantyre. Even though her parents are doing this
to me, these past five years I have always been in love with their daughter.
We have gone for voluntary counselling and testing and both of us are
negative. However, I have realized of late that the girl is slowly succumbing
to her parents’ decision. What should I do to win her back as
I have already said that I love the girl? Does it mean that this is
the end of my dreams? Please, I need your help.
Josephy Gwebede
Lilongwe.
Dear Josephy,
You are definitely in love with this girl. It’s evident that you
plan and picture your future together with her. To a certain degree
she seems to have agreed to make your dream come true. However, she
also gives the impression of being too subject to her parents who wish
her to be married to someone with higher education. Somehow, it’s
understandable for parents to see their daughter well settled in life
and marriage. I even get a hunch that your girlfriend too wishes to
be married to a well-educated person. If this is what it takes to win
her back, how about adding a Masters degree to your curriculum vitae?
It could serve well both your future family and your fellow-citizens.
Per se, however, true love has little to do with academic degrees. If
your girlfriend loves you with true love, then she’ll continue
to choose you regardless of her parents’ plans. Meanwhile, do
not do anything to win her back. Just wait and let her decide!
*** |
I am a boy, aged 18, and a Form 3 student at Zingwangwa Secondary School
in Blantyre.
I stay with my stepmother, since my mother died three years ago. My
father is working as an extension worker with a certain company in Blantyre,
and most of the time he is for field work. The moment my father goes
to the field, my stepmother brings in another man in the house. Whenever
I ask her about this stranger, my stepmother always says he is her uncle.
To my surprise, this uncle always takes my stepmother to my father’s
bedroom, and they spend time there chatting. To say the fact, I am now
tired of this uncle, who always comes when my father is out. I am very
worried for my father, who does not know anything. I have been thinking
of telling my father everything, but I am afraid because my father won’t
listen to me: he loves my stepmother very much. Another reason for not
telling him what’s going on is that I am afraid of bringing confusion
in the family. What should I do? Should I let the cat out of the bag?
Or should I just leave it like that? Please help me,
Worried Boy
Blantyre.
Dear Worried Boy,
I suggest you share your concern with your father. However, you need
to go about it with prudence. For instance, you might like to simply
tell him that a certain man, by name of…, very often visits your
home and says he’s your stepmother’s uncle. Then, ask your
father: “Do you know him?” With this you’ve done your
job. What follows is your father’s business and responsibility
*** |
I am
a boy, aged 19, and in Form 4. I fell in love with a certain girl when
I was in
Standard 7. From that time until now our relationship has been very
successful. I
love her so much and she loves me too. When I was in Form 3 we agreed
that we would marry after we finish our Form 4. One day, while chatting
with her, she asked me to marry her next year because she thinks she’s
old enough. But I am not ready to marry her next year. I am not able
to tell her so because I am afraid she will be disappointed and will
not understand me. I even feel that she may commit suicide. Helpline,
how should I make her understand that I am not ready for marriage and
at the same time assure her that I still love her? Please help me. Yours
faithfully,
Felix Kafundu
Msampha, Mponela.
Dear Felix,
It seems like you did not discuss details, upon promising each other
that you’d get married after finishing Form 4. You were both possessed
by your dreams; your minds were trapped in your seventh heaven, and
you were enjoying the high speed of fantasy. Probably this idealistic
mentality gave your girlfriend the permission to suggest an early marriage,
without calculating the implications that go with starting a family
at such young age. I suggest you both revisit and discuss together the
agreement you made when you were in Form 3. This time, however, invite
into the discussion a friend with five years or so of experience in
married life. I’m sure that, instead of contemplating suicide,
your girlfriend will learn the art of waiting and planning the future
with more intelligence.
*** |
I
am a young man, 25 years of age. I have a problem coping with problems.
I have many examples. I once failed interviews for a job. The result
was that I could not eat for several days; no food whatsoever would
appeal to me. I had problems with breathing. I started feeling ill.
I thought I would die. When I went to hospital they told me that I was
not ill; what I was suffering from was stress. They told me to take
life easy. The other time, my girlfriend dumped me. I equally fell ill.
The doctors told me I should take matters easy. “Take things easy”,
so they say. It sounds easy, but I find it difficult to take things
easy. Is there any formula to take things easy? Please, help me. I feel
that next time I am in a difficult situation, I will die.
Stressed
Monkey Bay
Dear Stressed,
In my opinion, you are neither stressed out nor a person who could solve
his problems by taking things easy. I dare say that you suffer from
a very low self-esteem with a consequent negative image of yourself.
This is unfortunately what you project both when you apply for jobs
and when you interact with girls. To know more about your negative self-image
and how to heal from it, please read the text in the box under the title,
“Healing from Negative Self-Image”. I also suggest that
you first have some sessions with a good counsellor before going for
another interview or dating another girl.
*** |
I
am in my late twenties. Some years ago I had a boyfriend who impregnated
me. We got engaged and married. I have had two kids with him. Then we
separated because this man was unfaithful. My parents told me that women
are supposed to be cool and let men do whatever they want until they
return to their senses. Besides, kids need care from both parents. I
forgave him on condition that he changed. But he continued to engage
in promiscuity. Several times I caught him, separated and forgave him,
until I could not take it any longer. We divorced. Almost two years
have passed. Now, I want to get on with my life, including starting
to date again. However, some people, particularly my parents, are against
this. I want your piece of advice.
Lydia
Chilomoni
Dear Lydia,
Considering your husband’s behaviour, probably your marriage never
existed. I’m glad to hear that you refuse to give into the false
belief that “women are supposed to be cool and let men do whatever
they want…” I encourage you, though, to “get on with
your life” in a wise and constructive way. In this regard it might
be helpful to seek some advice from a counsellor and/or church minister,
particularly if you intend to start dating again.
*** |
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Montfort Media, 2007 |
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